Zimbabwe’s latest political sensation, the United People’s Nation (UPN), is here to save us all, one prayer at a time.
Guided by the Holy Spirit and armed with the Constitution (read: Bible), this heavenly host aims to transform Zimbabwean politics with a sprinkle of divine intervention and a dash of the absurd.
The UPN, led by the “divinely chosen” President Garikai Muza, believes that Zimbabwe’s salvation lies not in sound economic policies or pragmatic governance, but in good old-fashioned Bible-thumping. Their platform? “God, simplicity, and providing the basics.” Yes, because nothing says political innovation like promising water and electricity while quoting scripture.
Forget fiscal policies or economic strategies. The UPN promises “home bread solutions” and “value addition and maximum beneficiation” for Zimbabwe’s mineral resources.
With a prayer in one hand and a financial assistance package in the other, they’re ready to revive industries and attract foreign investors—because who wouldn’t want to invest in a country governed by divine decree?
UPN’s healthcare and education policies are straight out of a Sunday school sermon. Promising free health screenings for the elderly and grants for students, they assure us that education is a “human right”—and apparently, so is quoting Philippians 1:6 in policy documents. Expect research labs and modern hospitals to spring up overnight, much like Lazarus from the grave, but only if you have enough faith.
Furthermore, the UPN takes a hardline stance on corruption. Steal from the people of Zimbabwe, and you might as well be stealing from God Himself.
“As a party that believes so much in God, zero tolerance to corruption will be of priority, our leaders in government will lead by example (stealing from the people of Zimbabwe is stealing from God) in carrying out their duties be it awarding tenders or any government project, thus fostering a culture of honesty, transparency and accountability that our people will then cope into their own way of living and practices,” Muza told this publication .
With promises of transparency, accountability, and zero tolerance for graft, they aim to foster a culture of honesty. After all, when your leaders are supposedly accountable to the Big Man Upstairs, what could possibly go wrong?
In a country plagued by drought, the UPN’s agricultural policy reads like a prophecy. They plan to ensure food security through irrigation, water reservoirs, and an input provision scheme for farmers. Their ultimate goal? To restore Zimbabwe to its former glory as the breadbasket of Africa, one blessed harvest at a time.
“Farmers in communal areas will also be put under an input provision scheme, as well as be equipped with knowledge on farming and best practices, in their particular regions, as has already been mapped out. The goal is for Zimbabwe to retain its status as the bread basket of Africa, as well as for it to be food sufficient, starting from the household, ward, district, province up to the national level where reserves will serve to cater for emergency situations such as this El Niño induced drought,” added Muza
On social services, citing the Bible’s command to “love thy neighbor,” UPN promises to uplift vulnerable populations through community projects and decentralized wealth.
“We are encouraged by the word of God to incorporate every citizen in all of Zimbabwe’s societies in appropriating wealth and assets, thus we have started to map out projects according to the country’s provinces, that will then translate to employment for local people in that specific province, district and ward,” Muza noted.
With inclusivity and accommodation of diverse cultures as their mantra, they aim to empower every Zimbabwean. After all, nothing says “we care” like turning a sermon into a social policy.
On the global stage, UPN vows not to be bullied into unfavorable agreements. They’ll work with the UN, World Bank, and African Union while mending ties with both Western and Eastern powers. With a firm handshake and a Bible verse, they believe they can navigate the complex world of international diplomacy.
Promising to uphold human rights and democratic principles, the UPN’s platform includes electoral reforms, gender equality, and social protection programs. They envision a Zimbabwe where every citizen, regardless of ethnicity, religion, or political affiliation, can participate in a truly democratic process—because divine governance surely leaves no room for bias.
Turning to the youth, the UPN plans to engage the youth and modernize infrastructure through innovation and divine guidance. They envision a future where women and young people lead entrepreneurial ventures, backed by financial assistance and a spirit of inclusivity. In this brave new world, Zimbabwe’s youth are the torchbearers of Holy Politics.
How about their long term goals? In the next decade, the UPN aims to adopt renewable energy, eliminate corruption, increase export capacity, and restore Zimbabwe’s food basket status.
With their eyes set on a sustainable future, they promise to measure their success not just by earthly standards but by divine favor as well.
So, Zimbabwe, brace yourselves for the political party that’s here to change the game with a Bible in one hand and a policy paper in the other.
As UPN would say, “Fear not, for God has risen a God-fearing president, Garikai Muza.”
Let’s just hope they remember to separate church and state—or at least not turn Parliament into a pulpit.
