A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship. However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick. I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions. So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing.
I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer. You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally. Why? Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings. You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to him. I know I sound a bit harsh, but even I had to realize my then-reality for what it was. Simply put: you are not and will never be his Queen.
The truth hurts, but it can only make you stronger.
I would like to open up about my experience with this one particular guy where I found myself playing the new side chick role. I will refer to him as “Jake”.
From the moment Jake and I met, we immediately clicked. I could talk to him about anything. We would laugh and joke on the phone for hours and help each other out. He was so supportive, encouraging, and respectful. We had such a beautiful and strong friendship. I was attracted to his mind, personality, and character. However, it was the magnetic chemistry and connection we had that made me fall for him. He became my best friend.
I thought this was it. He could possibly be the ‘one’.
We began talking every day, multiple times throughout the day. As time went on and our feelings for each other grew stronger, our actions began to reflect a “more-than-friend-on-the-verge-to-a-relationship” type thing.
At this point, I fell for him. I had given my heart to a man who was not mine.
I need to pause my story and say this: Queens, we need to learn to stop giving too much too soon. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything flows from it.” It’s impossible to guard your heart when you’re always giving it away. I think it’s beautiful that God created us to be nurturers and emotional. However, we are too quick to give away our time, body, money, and emotions to men who have not EARNED it. A Queen will not have to audition her love to her King. Her King will already recognize her worth, virtues, and beauty. Stop giving away so much of you that you end up with nothing for yourself. Better yet, stop giving away so much that a man has nothing else to work for. At this point you’re an emotional wreck. You go out and try to fill that void of emptiness through other men, food, material things, etc, but always come up short. Queen, only GOD can fill you up after you have depleted yourself. Go to Him, not the world.
I am speaking from experience. Though I never gave Jake my body or money, I gave him way too much of my time and emotions even after he expressed to me that he did not want a relationship.
Before a woman gets too involved with a man, she should find out what his intentions are and listen carefully to his answer.
When I asked Jake what his intentions were with me, he said: “I like you and I see you as someone for the long-term. However, I am young and I know I still have a lot of playing left to do, so I’m not ready for a relationship.” That reason eventually evolved to him saying he doesn’t want a relationship because he’s focused on school and his internship. He wanted to secure his future first.
I thought those reasons were valid, and that’s why I still stuck by his side. Plus his actions toward me did not change, so I figured he really wanted to be with me; it was just bad timing. I thought that one day, once he got the “play” out his system and completed his internship, he would be ready. So, I continued to allow myself to get more attached emotionally and mentally.
I wish I knew then what I know now: A man who really wants to be with you will find every reason to be with you. A man who does not want to be with you will find every excuse why he can’t be with you.
Queen, don’t make the same mistake as me. You can’t change a man nor his intentions with you.
Months went by and we continued our usual routine. He ended up completing his internship and securing a job post graduation. I noticed a slight behavioral change toward me and confronted him about it. He ended up telling me that he met somebody new and wanted to explore his options with her now that he had his future secured.
And just like that, I was pushed to the side.
I was so hurt, frustrated, and disappointed. I remember thinking: “I’ve been building and talking to this guy for 9 months. How dare he pushes me to the side to pursue someone else. I was the one who always held him down, supported, and helped him. Now that he’s “played” and secured his future, he decides to talk to someone else. He wasted my time! How dare him! This is not fair!”
Eventually I had to turn the mirror to myself and take responsibility for my actions. I was the one who decided to get attached to a man who verbally expressed to me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was the one who allowed a man to stick around in my life for 9 months with no type of commitment attached. I settled for this type of treatment because I did not see myself worthy of something better. I thought I would never find anyone comparable or better than Jake if I walked away. At that point in my life, he was the best I ever had, and I was afraid to let that go.
I am sure many of you are or know someone who is holding on to relationships and ‘situationships’ that God never brought together. As the year is coming to the end, I want to challenge all Queens to step out on faith, trust God, and release that dead weight. For 2015, I challenge you to redefine your worth and standards according to who GOD says you are and to never accept any treatment that demeans you. Get that peasant off your throne and make room for the King that God wants you to build an empire with. Stop giving your body away to someone who’s not even giving you a real commitment. Stop cooking all of these gourmet meals for that man who can’t even take you out on a real date. Cut off the guy that keeps coming in and out of your life because he doesn’t know what he wants. Indecisiveness is a decision. Make the decision for him and let him go. Stop acting like an uber to some of these men who won’t even catch a taxi for you. Just because he sends for you, doesn’t mean you need to come. Pick up your crown and wear it with dignity and class.
Some of you right now may be trying to justify in your mind on why you can’t let go and move on. You’ve fell in love with the “what if”, his potential, and what it could be if you stayed. Queen, stop embracing the fantasy and accept your reality.
I know it’s easier said than done to cut off someone you have invested in and have feelings for, but that’s where your FAITH comes in. Is your trust in God or the “option” of men you “see” around you? When me and Jake abruptly ended, I went on a “man fast”. I decided to focus on my relationship with Jesus and allow Him to mold me into the woman He called me to be. I decided to not focus on my “still single” status and the lack of man options around me. All of that time and emotion I would’ve given to Jake, I gave to Christ. I learned that the more I put into Christ, the more He puts into me. I took back my crown and regained peace, joy, confidence, purpose, and love. Man’s rejection is God’s protection! Jake was never fit to be My King. I can’t thank God enough for protecting me from a what would’ve been unfulfilling and purposeless relationship. Since then, God has showed me that there are better men than the “Jakes” of this world. He’s introduced me to much better when I least expected it. If He did it for me, have faith that one day He will do it for you. 🙂
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